I Refuse

*Note: Individuals names have been changed to respect and protect their privacy.

It’s a Wednesday morning in Jeffrey’s Bay, South Africa, the sun is shining brightly and I can feel the heat of it already beating down on me, a sure sign that spring has indeed arrived in Jbay. It’s about 10am, and I am walking to the gym, I am only about two blocks away from my house when I see her. Gracie. She knows me, I know her. At first she doesn’t see me, but I keep walking closer, she’s just across the street. She’s only about eleven years old, she should be in school at this time, studying history and trying to solve her math problems. She should be chatting with her friends and playing outside during recess. But instead I find this eleven year old girl digging through the garbage dump, looking intently into the big bins for something to eat. I see her Grandmother sitting on the opposite side of the street, watching her and also watching me.

In a matter of seconds so many different scenes pass through my mind.
I start asking myself questions;

“What if this was me?

What if this was my niece?

My family member? “

I cross the street to where Gracie is digging through the dumpster. I greet her and ask what she’s doing. An obvious question, but seemed to be the best way to start a conversation.

She lifts her head from the green dumpster and replies, ‘I am looking for something to eat, I am hungry.’

Just as quickly as she lifted her head she resumes her original position and continues to rummage through the contents of the garbage. An old black boat, someone’s left over chicken bones from KFC, an empty Coke bottle, but nothing to eat. My mind runs a mile a minute as I try to imagine the life of Gracie, and being so hungry and desperate for food that I go to the garbage bins.

She looks up at me, piercing me with her brown eyes, but quickly looks away. I ask her if I can give her R10 to go and buy bread for her and her grandmother. She nods her heads vigorously, and I hand her the R10. I ask her a few more questions about where she’s staying and who’s taking care of her and then I cross the street to her Grandmother.

Gracie’s grandmother is only about 4’10 tall and under 100 pounds. She hardly speaks English, so as much as I can I try to explain to her that I have given Gracie R10 to go buy food, and she must not buy cigarettes or anything else. In reply she nods her head and says thank you in Afrikaans.

Then I walked away.

The scene hasn’t left me. Gracie’s eyes are still piercing through to my heart. As I walked away, I felt as though someone was punching me in the stomach. My spirit was so disturbed and I started crying out to God. “No, God. No. Why?”
As I continued praying, God reminded me of a song that was so much on my heart before I left for South Africa in May, it’s called I Refuse by Josh Wilson
The lyrics to the song are:

Sometimes I
I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not

This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of You, oh God

So, if You say move
It's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
Show them who You are

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

To stand and watch the weary and lost
Cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back
And try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged
To wait another day, to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse


This song has been playing over and over in my mind. How dare I act like everyone is fine, when there are girls like Gracie all over the world, crying out for help, crying out for love.
That day I made a decision to not turn back again. I made a decision to stop ignoring the pleas and cries of the kids here on the streets of Jeffreys Bay.

God has put something in me for the street kids here in Jeffrey’s Bay, I am still not sure what exactly He wants me to do, but I know I will start with love. Actually, that’s what it’s all about love. If I have faith, and if I give all I possess to these kids, but have not love I am nothing. My prayer is that I will never walk by, stand by or ignore the cries of these children. These are the ones that are called great in the kingdom of God, but these are the ones we so easily walk by or put aside and ignore. May God forgive us and be merciful to us for the times we have forgotten about his children and truly ignored the very face of God.

Please pray with me as I seek the Lord's direction in this area of my life. I know I can't change the lives of all the street kids here in Jeffreys Bay, but if I can change the life of one girl, if I can change the life of Gracie, it's all worth it.

Let the journey begin!

Tonight I find myself sitting in the LXP house on Salamander Strout in Jeffreys Bay, South Africa with the sound of LXP students singing to the playing of the key board while the other students are busy in the kitchen washing dishes and cleaning after the evening meal of a traditional African food of Pap, sausage and soup on the side. It’s been two weeks since I have arrived in Jbay and one week that I have been staying in the LXP house.

My first week in Jbay I stayed with Pastor George and Michele (the Directors of LXP) and it was such a wonderful and refreshing time being able to share and really fellowship with them. Since my very first time in South Africa in 2008, Michele has been someone I have really looked up to and sought for wisdom and counsel in my life and I am so thankful for the week the Lord gave me with her before I started this journey of being part of the LXP staff.

So, last week I moved into the LXP house and the same day my friend Heidi arrived from the states. Heidi is a dear friend that I went to bible school with in the states and quickly became a close friend that also shares a heart for missions and children. Heidi is joining me for two months to help me start the children’s Sunday school at Ithemba Church and also help with LXP during her stay here. Its been such a blessing to have her here with me as I try to find my place and roles on the LXP staff team and adjust to life in Africa again.
I didn’t except to be challenged like I have in adjusting back to life in South Africa again; it’s quite a transition from life in South Dakota to life in South Africa. But Jesus is so good, gracious and patient with me as I have struggled and then again trust in Him for what He has called me to here.

The students have started to trickle in slowly and on Monday, June 6th we will have our official opening for them; welcoming them into LXP 2011 and into the city of Jeffreys Bay. So far, there are nine students representing three different countries- South Africa, Swaziland, and Zimbabwe. Arriving some time next week will be students from Zambia, Ghana and Tanzania.

It’s been quite an adventure already being part of the LXP staff team. Last year as a student the statement I heard a lot was- “Except the Unexpected.” I am learning as a staff member it’s just as true. But more then that, the life of a Jesus’ follower is that way. Living by faith and always being open and willing to go and do whatever the Holy Spirit speaks.

I have been given the role of administration more specifically with the recruiting of the new students and the application process. Also, I live in the house with the students so I have taken the role of the Mother in the house. That means I have been given the opportunity to manage the kitchen and food aspect of the program. I am learning quite a lot! This week I have been doing the cooking for the students and have been learning that experience is the best teacher! Also, a new challenge I have taken up is driving! It’s quite a bit different then driving in the US. With the challenge of driving manual also comes the challenge of driving on the opposite side of the road. I know one day I’ll look back and laugh as I remember these days of the American cooking African food and learning to drive on the wrong side of the road.



This is one of the meals I've learned to cook!


The Sunday school is running at Ithemba, but is just in the beginning and foundation of what we pray and hope that it will be one day. Currently, there is about 35-40 students that have been attending.






Here are some of the children coloring their pictures after learning about the 7 days of creation.

I look forward to all God has in store for LXP and also, the children at Ithemba!

Please pray specifically with me as I continue on this journey of ministering in Jeffreys Bay.

-Pray for discernment, wisdom, and grace as I lead these students in the house.

-Pray for the children coming to Sunday school that they would truly have a hunger and thirst for Jesus Christ.

-Pray that as I minister daily, I will also refuel and spend time with my sweet Jesus every day growing in intimacy and fellowship in the Holy Spirit

-Praise the LORD! That He meets us where we are at and gives us sufficient grace each and every day!

Bambisana

Well, I have been in the country of South Africa for just over three weeks. I can hardly believe it! I have already had so many new experiences that have been great along with many new challenges as well.

The first week in South Africa I spent time in the area of Transkei in a village called Bambisana. Its about eight hours northeast of Jeffreys Bay. I was visiting some friends that are running a ministry there called Potters House Ministry. I stayed with a family in the village that I met for the first time when I arrived there. I for sure was a little nervous as I thought about staying in the village which I never had done before and also, with people I didn't know, but I knew I was in for a new experience.

From the moment I met the family I feel in love with them. I have never in my life been so welcomed somewhere. I was introduced to the TaTa (father) of the house, his daughters, and then the small children. They prepared a wonderful African meal for me and we sat around visiting and getting to know each other. Then the Father asked if I would share the Word/ encouragement. I was so surprised, but felt so honored that they wanted me to share with them. After sharing with them the Father stood up and wanted to share something with me. He didn't speak a lot of English so as someone translated for him, he shared how the LORD has given him six daughters, but today the LORD has blessed him with his seventh daughter. He continued to share with me how I am part of their family and how I should make myself at home, because I am now part of their family.
I was so overwhelmed and humbled as this man of God welcomed me into his home and truly took me in as his own daughter, though he had just met me. I realized yet again that as we are part of the body of Christ no matter where we go, we will have family, because we are one body. Also, I was reminded again of one of the reasons I love Africa so much. The hospitality is like nothing I have experienced before.

My time in Transkei was wonderful. I stayed in the village for five days and experienced what life is truly like there. They fetch the water at the river, boil water for bathing in a basin, use long- drops for toilets( similar to outhouses) and live life with such simplicity, but yet such contentment and joy. Along with the joys also came the challenges, as the area of Transkei is predominately black, I was very out of place. In the village of Bambisana, I was the only white person, and though every eye seemed to take a second glance at me, I knew that I could use this to my advantage for the kingdom. I could respond negatively and be frustrated or I could use the attention I was getting and use it to show the love of God. My prayer as I was there breaking the cultural norm, was that somehow the Holy Spirit would work in the people of Bambisana the deep love our Father has for ALL people. That these beautiful people would know that rather Xhosa or American we are dearly loved by Jesus Christ.
My time in Bambisana grew my love for the Xhosa people and their genuine, open hearts and their joy for life. The scripture that God has put on my heart so much the past weeks and during my time in Bambisana was-

1 Corinthians 9:19-23(ESV)

"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings."

My hearts desire is for everyone to know the love of Jesus. Anything for one more soul. No matter the cost. No matter how uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Anything for one more precious soul to know the abounding grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ.


*Though this is only about my first week in South Africa, I will be writing and updating you all next week about my time so far serving with LXP in Jeffreys Bay.
More to come soon!*

The cost..

I woke up yesterday feeling the battle immediately as I opened my eyes to the sun welcoming me into the new day- May 10th the anxiously and long awaited day. I could feel my heart battling with what lay before me. Today I would step on a plane to fly thousands of miles away from my biological family. I would experience the tearful goodbye's and the deep ache in my heart with the fact that I don't know the next time I'll see them face to face again.
But I would also be taking one step closer to the beautiful South African people that hold a huge piece of my heart.

The cost of following Jesus. Have you felt it? Do you know it?
Does your heart and spirit resonate with the scripture in Luke 14: 26-27, 33(ESV)

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.
So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."

The cost of discipleship.
Do you know it?
Have you felt it?

I have wrestled with these scriptures for more then a year, starting when I first left last February to join LXP in Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. It was no longer just a scripture that I had heard before, or that I thought didn't apply to me- it was my life and what I was experiencing.
I use to read this scripture and think, "Well, Jesus doesn't mean we are really suppose to hate our families, after all He says 'Love your neighbor as yourself."

And that is true, we are to love others just as Christ loved us by laying His life down on the cross at Calvary.
But what does that look like? Could it actually mean that when we forsake our desires, the things of this world, even the good things like family and friends that, that is when we begin to love others. After all, how can we love others if we first don't love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Jesus lists the family members-father, mother, wife, children, brother or sisters, and then yes, even his own life- he cannot be my disciple.

I struggled with this scripture because I love my family and am very close to them. God has given me a great family that loves Jesus and truly cares for each other. So what did Jesus really mean when He said I am suppose to hate them?

I didn't begin to understand until my time in Africa last year as I saw that I could still live in Africa and not truly be a disciple of Christ, forsaking everything. It's not only a physical action, but also an attitude of the heart.
Jesus didn't want me to literally hate my family and leave them saying, "Have a nice life, I am going to be a disciple of Jesus."
He was saying, "Ellen, I want you to forsake your family, friends and life to find real life. Exchange your life for mine. When you do this you are becoming my disciple, you are putting on Myself (Jesus Christ) and are dying to yourself. That is when you actually love your family, because it's not on your own effort anymore, its me through you."
That is when people will be drawn to Jesus Christ- when our lives become a picture of the gospel. when people can see the bible lived out in our lives every day.

I have had people say to me, "I could never do what you are doing, I am a Daddy's girl or I love my family to much to live that far away."

My flesh wants to scream out, "don't you think I love my family!"
But then I realize this is exactly what Jesus is talking about. If our love for our families are holding us back from being obedient to the call of discipleship- it is sin. Jesus wants us to be completely devoted and abandoned to the call He has given each one of us.

You might think, "well He's not called me to go to Africa."
And that might be true, but He has called you to something. He calls us all different places, but the call is the same- GO MAKE DISCIPLES.
Matthew 28:18-20(NIV)

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

He says go train and teach people to give up their lives to follow me and that is taught through not just words, bur your life.

We have no excuses anymore. The cost is high. But it's worth it.

Every tear. Every ache and pain.

Every uncomfortable moment.

It's worth it.

The journey continues!

Dear sweet prayer warriors and brother and sisters in Christ

It's early Tuesday morning and I am getting ready to go! I will be getting on a plane this morning to South Africa to start what God has for me over there!

Please join me in prayer as I travel- pray for strength and health as I travel

Pray for all the connections and that my baggage will arrive with me :)
I will be visiting people for the first week and then will start ministry.
I will update you all when I arrive!
Much love and a deep thank you for all who are taking this journey with me.

Is it that simple?

Do we really trust God? Its become an easy thing to quickly utter or encourage someone with. But do we really believe in what He says? Do we take His word as the truth we build our entire lives on? These are the questions I've asked myself this past year during my time in South Africa and now coming back to the states.

Trust: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entrusted

Believe: to trust in; to hold a firm conviction about

I love those defintions. They hold such meaning and hold an incredible amount of depth that can change our lifes if we really act on them.

For many people it's hard to trust-maybe you are on of them. You've been mistreated, abused and placed your trust in someone only to be hurt, so you make a decision not to trust again. I speak from my own life and I was one of those people.

During part of my high school years I was emotionally abused by someone that was highly respected and trusted by people, including myself. As it all began to fall apart- my walls came up very quicly. My first instint was to be protective of myself and not let people in. I was afraid of being hurt again or worse rejected. During a period of being angry, hurt and very closed- the Holy Spirit kept drawing me closer to Himself. I was at the point I didn't trust God at all. After all, why would He let me go through such hurt and pain if He really cared I told myself.
But Jesus never waivered. He wasn't afraid of my questions or my anger. He wanted me just as I was. He began to draw me closer and closer to Himself. I still had lots of questions and things I didn't understand, but when I let my guard down and let Jesus in and hold me close, somehow those things all faded. I realized I needed only one thing- to be in His presence and in His arms, gazing into His face. In His presence He began to heal my wounded heart and I learned I could trust Him. He began to teach me that He is worthy of all trust and belief.

Now years later as I look back on my journey with Jesus, I can only trust Him.
He has never been anything, but faithful. In times I thought I was alone, He has been there holding me. I have been tested again this past month with my trust in Him. Since high school my life has been full of goodbyes, new friendships and a lot of letting go. In each of these situations and new chapters I have had to trust Jesus.

When I leave my family to go to Africa, I have to trust Jesus that He will continue and complete the good work He has started. When I left South Africa I had to trust my sweet Father that He was going to take care of my kids on the street and the youth in their broken homes. If I didn't trust Him, where would I be?
When I don't trust Him I am saying, "Jesus, I have things under control, I can do this better myself."
Jesus knows us so intimately. Like no one else knows us.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely. - Psalm 139

The more time I spend with Jesus the more I trust Him. I believe the more you know Jesus- His character, His unfailing love, you will know Jesus is for you- He is not against you. No matter how much you've been hurt, no matter how many people have abused your trust- He will never hurt you. He will never abuse your trust.

There was a deep relase in my spirit when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. When I realized without Him I was completely lost.
And this only makes sense, that the Creator of our bodies, minds, souls and spirits can be fully and completely trusted.
When we choose to trust Him- we will begin to change. The circumstances or problems around us might not change- but He will change us. We will be people who trust Jesus, worry less and keep their eyes on His face.

Provers 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

I choose to trust Him. I choose to believe that He works everything out for my good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28


"Blessed is the one who trusts in you."- Psalm 84:12b

Its ALL about HIM.

I've done a lot of thinking and praying really asking myself why I have a blog and what are my motives. It is so easy as humans to start to do something with a purwe heart and then realize our motives have become prideful or selfish. I share this with you because I truly want this blogs purpose to be, to bring glory to who it is due-our Sweet King Jesus. I never want this to be about me. If this is about me its utterly worthless. God says in Isaiah 64:6-

"that all our righteous acts are like flithly rags and we are all shrivel up like a leaf."

So as I share with you in this blog what GOD is doing in my life and in the lives of the people around me I promise to be open and real with you. I won't pretend to have it all together or have all the answers, but I will share with you what GOD is teaching and saying to me.

My prayer is that the things He teaches me, and the lessons I learn and the experiences that HE takes me through you will know Jesus' heart more and experience more of who He is.