I am not home yet

It's not a usual place. Especially for the date on the calendar, it's December 25th the day of the birth of Jesus Christ. It's Christmas. There is no snow on the ground, but it doesn't seem to matter as the house is full of family singing traditional Christmas carols. That's where I find myself. Like I said not an usual place to be on Christmas day; with my family and celebrating the birth of my sweet Jesus. As we pause to wait for the next Christmas carol comments are made about full stomach's and a statement made about how many empty stomachs there are out there right now.

In that moment I froze I was no longer in a warm cozy house in rural South Dakota with my family, I was in the community of Tokyo Sexwhale in Jeffreys Bay in the shack of Jonathan's family. I was sitting with his grandmother and mother crying. Crying not because there is literally no food in their house, or any source of income, but crying for Jonathan who is in a type of

home/ prison for young man who have committed crimes. The tears began to run down my face as Jonathan's mother told me of the past week event of going to court for Jonathan. She explained to Jonathan that I had been coming to visit her and the family in the past weeks and that I had showed her my cell phone wallpaper which was my favorite photo of him. As she told Jonathan, he began to cry. This 14 year old boy sitting in court, cried. No longer was he a tough teenage boy, in jail, but a wounded young boy so in need of love.

I tried to bring my mind back to the present- to the Christmas caroling, but another scene flashed in my mind. Precious. A dark skinned, big brown eyed, bright smiling, five year old girl that has stolen my heart forever. We are sitting together laughing as we make funny faces and find so much humor in taking pictures of ourselves. This little girl never ceases to have a smile on her face, though her circumstances give her plenty of reasons why she shouldn't. Often neglected and not taken care of, with a mother that passed away a couple years ago, and a father with alcohol problems. Still she has so much joy. Tears are now streaming down my face, as I bring my mind back to the present with my family signing 'Silent Night.' I wonder what Jonathan's and Precious' Christmas has been like. Jonathan still in jail and Precious with a family scattered and so unstable. I wonder if their stomachs are full like mine, or empty like the statement that had been made just a few minutes earlier.

Since coming back to the states I have been asking God a lot of questions. Questions like: "how does this whole missionary re-entry thing work? Does this going back and forth get easier with time? Will I always feel like an alien in a place with my passport residency? Where is home, South Dakota or South Africa? Will my heart always be in two places? "

But as I sat there with the carols continuing to be sung, and my heart feeling so heavy for all I have left in Jeffreys Bay. The Holy Spirit gentled whispered a truth deep in my spirit,

"Ellen, your home is with Me."

I felt myself take a deep breath as I let this truth start to sink in. This longing to have a place called home. This confusion of where I belong and where my heart is, is all answered in Him. "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." (Philippians 3:20NIV)

I was not made for this place. I was not made to belong or feel comfortable here. Peter even calls us foreigners and aliens to this world in 1 Peter 2:11.

I was made for more. I was made for a heavenly place. I was made to prepare people for the coming of Jesus, so that everyone would be ready for the glorious day when Jesus returns to take His children home to be with Him.

I was reminded as I sat there, that I can't let myself become comfortable in neither this place with my biological family or in Jeffreys Bay with my children.

Do I still use my energy and strength for God's children? Absolutely.

Do I still love the people He has placed in my journey. Unconditionally.

Do I still feed the orphan and hold the neglected? Every day.

Do I still care and pray for my family? Without question.

This is my call. This is my mandate. This is not my home. One day I'll be there, but until then I will continue to follow wherever He calls, I will continue to love.