I am not home yet

It's not a usual place. Especially for the date on the calendar, it's December 25th the day of the birth of Jesus Christ. It's Christmas. There is no snow on the ground, but it doesn't seem to matter as the house is full of family singing traditional Christmas carols. That's where I find myself. Like I said not an usual place to be on Christmas day; with my family and celebrating the birth of my sweet Jesus. As we pause to wait for the next Christmas carol comments are made about full stomach's and a statement made about how many empty stomachs there are out there right now.

In that moment I froze I was no longer in a warm cozy house in rural South Dakota with my family, I was in the community of Tokyo Sexwhale in Jeffreys Bay in the shack of Jonathan's family. I was sitting with his grandmother and mother crying. Crying not because there is literally no food in their house, or any source of income, but crying for Jonathan who is in a type of

home/ prison for young man who have committed crimes. The tears began to run down my face as Jonathan's mother told me of the past week event of going to court for Jonathan. She explained to Jonathan that I had been coming to visit her and the family in the past weeks and that I had showed her my cell phone wallpaper which was my favorite photo of him. As she told Jonathan, he began to cry. This 14 year old boy sitting in court, cried. No longer was he a tough teenage boy, in jail, but a wounded young boy so in need of love.

I tried to bring my mind back to the present- to the Christmas caroling, but another scene flashed in my mind. Precious. A dark skinned, big brown eyed, bright smiling, five year old girl that has stolen my heart forever. We are sitting together laughing as we make funny faces and find so much humor in taking pictures of ourselves. This little girl never ceases to have a smile on her face, though her circumstances give her plenty of reasons why she shouldn't. Often neglected and not taken care of, with a mother that passed away a couple years ago, and a father with alcohol problems. Still she has so much joy. Tears are now streaming down my face, as I bring my mind back to the present with my family signing 'Silent Night.' I wonder what Jonathan's and Precious' Christmas has been like. Jonathan still in jail and Precious with a family scattered and so unstable. I wonder if their stomachs are full like mine, or empty like the statement that had been made just a few minutes earlier.

Since coming back to the states I have been asking God a lot of questions. Questions like: "how does this whole missionary re-entry thing work? Does this going back and forth get easier with time? Will I always feel like an alien in a place with my passport residency? Where is home, South Dakota or South Africa? Will my heart always be in two places? "

But as I sat there with the carols continuing to be sung, and my heart feeling so heavy for all I have left in Jeffreys Bay. The Holy Spirit gentled whispered a truth deep in my spirit,

"Ellen, your home is with Me."

I felt myself take a deep breath as I let this truth start to sink in. This longing to have a place called home. This confusion of where I belong and where my heart is, is all answered in Him. "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." (Philippians 3:20NIV)

I was not made for this place. I was not made to belong or feel comfortable here. Peter even calls us foreigners and aliens to this world in 1 Peter 2:11.

I was made for more. I was made for a heavenly place. I was made to prepare people for the coming of Jesus, so that everyone would be ready for the glorious day when Jesus returns to take His children home to be with Him.

I was reminded as I sat there, that I can't let myself become comfortable in neither this place with my biological family or in Jeffreys Bay with my children.

Do I still use my energy and strength for God's children? Absolutely.

Do I still love the people He has placed in my journey. Unconditionally.

Do I still feed the orphan and hold the neglected? Every day.

Do I still care and pray for my family? Without question.

This is my call. This is my mandate. This is not my home. One day I'll be there, but until then I will continue to follow wherever He calls, I will continue to love.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

I have safely arrived in America!
I arrived home about 10 days ago. It has been so great to be reunited with my family and see my church family as well! And I am looking forward to the days ahead to see my extended family during this Christmas season.

It's not always an easy adjustment for me to make the trans cession from South Africa to America. But I thank God so much for His endless grace that is always more then enough for me. I praise the Lord for this time at home to sit at my Father's feet and inquire from Him and simply enjoy His presence and rest. But as much as I know I need this time at home for myself and to re connect with my dear family and friends, it does not take away the ache that I feel for my kids that I leave behind in Jbay.


In the past couple months, I have connected with my kids and grown closer to them then ever before. When I went back to my Sunday School kids in May at Ithemba Church, there was about 25 kids attending each Sunday morning ranging from age 3-12 years. It looks much different now! Currently, there are about 40-45 kids per Sunday, it was amazing to watch each Sunday as the attendance grew and the kids would bring their friends with them to Sunday School.
When I returned to Ithemba Church in May a woman in the church was teaching the children each week, and she was over joyed that I had come to bring her some much needed relief ! We partnered in teaching the children together for a couple months, but in September she was unable to continue helping, because of other commitments, so that left just me :) I was completely overwhelmed and kept asking God, "what now? Its just me, with almost 50 kids?" I felt completely inadequate to teach all these children, especially when the younger ones don't understand a lot of English. The first couple Sundays I recruited a couple teenage girls to help me, but then again it was just me. When Sunday would be coming near, instead of being excited to see the children, I would have anxiety and worry.
"How am I going to manage all these children, God? I think someone that speaks the language should be teaching them."
I tried to give the Lord many excuses why I shouldn't be the one entrusted to teach these children.




But one Sunday morning as I sat with my kids (at Ithemba church they have all the children sit together on one side of the church), it was like God removed the clay from my eyes and I could clearly see all that I had been missing. I saw that my Heavenly Father has entrusted and given to me the greatest and highest honor of teaching these children about Him. That each one of those children was not there by mistake, but because He wanted them to know the love of Jesus. He choose me, with my selfishness and wavering heart to lead these children to the feet of Jesus.

That Sunday morning Jesus changed my heart, as I looked at the kids, each with their own unique personalities and characteristics, I thanked the Lord for being patience with me and opening my eyes to all that I had been so blind to before.
The Lord gave me a deep love for these children that I hadn't known before, I couldn't wait to spend time with them. I couldn't wait to see Sima and her sweet spirit worshiping Jesus to her favorite song, 'There is none like You.' My heart was full as I thought of Sino so excitedly sharing his bible verses with me that he had learned that week. I began to spend one on one time with the children and really got to know who they are and where they come from and their family situations. I was heart broken as I realized that 9 out of 10 kids live without a father in their homes. Most of the kids just want someone to listen to them, someone to play with, and make them feel they are important, valued and loved.

Leading up to the weeks before I left we started practicing for a Christmas program that they had the Sunday before I left. The kids could hardly contain their excitement as I shared with them what a Christmas program was and that it meant they would wear costumes, perform a drama and sing. We started with practices on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, the kids loved every minute of it and I did too:)
As the week before the program approached they were busy singing their songs, when 11 year old Ghomotso sweetly asked if they could have practice every day that week until Sunday the day of the program. All the kids screamed "yeah!" I couldn't hide my smile as I reveled in all that God has given to me with these kids and how despite my rough beginnings, He is the great Redeemer. So we did just what Ghomotso had suggested- we had practice every day. Not all the children were in the program, the ones that came to the practices were the ones that performed that Sunday which was 12 kids. But it was yet again another blessing, because as we met each day for practice, the Holy Spirit was really working in the hearts of the kids as they asked many questions about heaven and hell, the bible, and peer pressure at school. I know if all 40 of the kids had been there it would of been very difficult, but one again Jesus' plan is always perfect and good.
So the big day came- Sunday, December 4- they performed their Christmas program. I was SO proud of them as they sang, acted out the Christmas story and recited a bible verse. And of course the kids loved it!



I thank God for everything He provided- the funds for the costumes, the women to sew the costumes and all the resources it took. Truly He is faithful!
I look back over the past months and all that God has done not only in my life, but also in the hearts of the children at Ithemba and I am so excited to see all He has in store for next year.
As I spend these couple months at home I will be seeking the Lord for a very specific vision and goals for next year. Please pray with me as I am asking the Lord for a team of 3-5 people at Ithemba to join me in the children's ministry. To be most effective and really disciple and teach these children, I need more people that are dedicated and have a heart for these children so that we can separate the kids in age groups and teach them based on their ages and grades. It's been my struggle the past couple months to find people who are committed and have a passion for children, but I am continuing to trust Jesus that in His perfect time He will raise up the people in Ithemba church to join me in equipping the younger generation.
I look forward to next year with great expectation and hope, because I know only greater things are yet to come!

Many, LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 (NIV)