Through the eyes of a child

"At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children."- Matthew 11:25

The Holy Spirit is always wanting to speak to us. But so often, I miss what He wants to share with me, because I busy myself with so many things. Some days I find it harder to just sit and listen from Him then it is to be busy doing things, yes even good things. But I believe with all my heart that this is the secret to an intimate, living relationship with Jesus. I must spend time with Jesus listening to Him and also sharing my heart, dreams and desires with Him. But that is not the only time He speaks to me. It's not just when I am quiet, alone in my room. I've realized that Jesus uses so many different ways to speak to me, if I only am attentive all through out the day for His soft whisper.

Since being home, I've been given so many great opportunities to visit churches in the surrounding community to share about my ministry in Jeffreys Bay, and also about my financial need for living in South Africa and doing full time missions. It's not always an easy and comfortable thing to speak in front of churches asking for money and support, but God has been teaching me so much each and every time. He's teaching me it's not about the money.
It's about Him.
Everything, it's about Jesus.
If I am obedient, He will provide everything I need. I have found a new joy in sharing with churches about South Africa. Because I am seeing that no matter where I go. Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. Or rural Flandreau, South Dakota. People need Jesus. People everywhere are hungry for something real, something tangible, something that satisfies. Though many don't know what they are looking for, they are looking to fill the aching hole inside of them. I've seen God use the stories of my dear friends and children in South Africa to change the hearts of people in Midwest America.
But God hasn't stopped there. He is using the children in Midwest America to speak to me. God often speaks to me through my children at Ithemba, rather it be through Leafy with her arms raised in worship to God, or through the big hugs and smiles I receive each time I see my children.

Today, He used 7 year old Aliyah at a local church I shared at. During my presentation during the service I had shared about a young girl I disciple and mentor that gave her life to Jesus recently and was baptized. After the service I spoke with many people from the congregation, all adults with lots of questions about South Africa, the area I live in, the weather, and the history of the country. All things that are so great to know! Well, after a while the the people started to wander away, and a little girl approached me.
"Hi!" she said.

"Hi! How are you?" I asked.

"Good. I have a question. What is the name of the girl that got to know Jesus?"

I was so surprised. Did she just ask that? I thought to myself. Quickly, I answered her question telling her the name of the girl and we continued to talk about many things. But her question has stuck with me til now.
I thought about all my conversations this morning at the church. And there was so many wonderful conversations with great people. But this conversation with 7 year old Aliyah was different.
She had heard me speak about many things, but this is what stuck with her.
Jesus.
A girl that came to know Jesus.
I thought about the past week and how I've been struggling with worry about finances and the unknowns about the future, but this little girl put everything in it's place.
Jesus is all that matters.
Jesus is the answer.
South Africa is important. Weather, history, and wild African animals are important.
But in comparison to Jesus they are worthless.
In Matthew 11, Jesus says that He has hidden these things from the wise and learned. You know the people like you and me that think so often that we have it together :) And He has revealed them to little children. Children like Aliyah that aren't worried about things like finances, status, tomorrow, but just see Jesus. It reminds me of the old, beautiful song:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

My prayer is that like 7 year old Aliyah I will turn my eyes on Jesus and when life gets busy and I want to worry about the future, I will remember:
Jesus.

Safe and Sound

Two days I spoke to my close friend and roommate Thando from South Africa and excitingly told me that she had found Jonathan just the other day. She was walking in town and just happened to see him. She talked to him for a little bit and he said he had arrived back in Jeffreys Bay about a month ago. She told him I'd be back soon and couldn't wait to see him. I was more then happy as I thought about next month when I arrive back to my South African home that I'll be able to see Jonathan and give him a big hug, and won't have to try and search for him in a prison home for teenage boys.
Now today came the big surprise when I went to the mailbox and found an unexpected package in the mail from Thando. I quickly tore it open to see what possibly could be inside waiting for me. And this is what I found




This was the best present I have ever received! Tears quickly came to my eyes as I looked at this priceless picture of Jonathan all grown up, but still with the same sweet smile I know.
I immediately picked up the phone to call Thando to thank her for the wonderful present. She laughed as she told me she wanted to keep it secret that she had gotten the chance to take this photo with him. She said when she asked him if he wanted to take a picture,he was so excited and also took his own copy with him:)
I praise the Lord for moments and blessings like these. This was truly medicine to my heart.
Thank you Jesus for being the defender of the fatherless and orphaned.

No condemnation

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. " - Romans 8:1


This scripture has always been one of my favorites, but this year I've found myself clinging to this promise like never before. I've come to know myself a lot this year, and what I've found out is, is if I want to get to know myself , I just need to spend time in Jesus' presence. You see there's a lot of talk about self-esteem, self-image and identity, but I had to ask myself where I am going for my self worth? Who or what am I defining myself by? I don't normally struggle with worrying about the future, but I find myself often worrying about the past. Sounds silly. Pointless. Why worry about things that have already happened? But I do. I think about my mistakes. I think about things I've said that I shouldn't of said. I think about relationships that I should of invested more time and effort in, but didn't. I think about time that I have wasted on Facebook, that I could of spent doing something more beneficial. I think of times I should of prayed more or had just a little more faith. To sum it up I struggle with guilt about my past sins and mistakes.

So I have started to ask myself am I going to let my past define me? Am I going to let my failures define all that God wants to do in and through me? Or am I going to use what I see as failures be a testimony of God's abundant grace and redemption. I can sit in self-pity and shame and dwell in the past, but where is the glory going? No where. Or I can ask God to give me eyes to see not my shortcomings or mistakes, but to see His strong arm reaching down with His grace and mercy and saving me once again from my sin. I can choose every day to not wear a mask of perfection or "having it all together", so that Jesus can receive the glory for my weaknesses. Because in my weaknesses His grace is all sufficient.
In Him there is no failure.
Only forgiveness.
In Him there is no condemnation.
Only love.

Is it easy? No, it hasn't been easy. But it's a journey with my Jesus that I am adventuring on. Some days it seems that every memory of my past mistakes floods my mind, but that is when I decide to choose to stand on the promises of my Heavenly Father.
I am redeemed.
I am a new creation.
I was bought at a price.
Nothing can separate me from His love.
Satan would love to paralyze me in the "what if I hadn't s" , but Jesus says in His word:

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? " -Isaiah 43:18-19a



That is good news to this heart! Now its up to me, I am choosing to cling to these promises of God. I am choosing to let God use my brokenness and sin to be a testimony of who He can use. I don't have it all together, but praise the Lord that I serve a Heavenly Father that is so full of grace and mercy that will never end.

I am not home yet

It's not a usual place. Especially for the date on the calendar, it's December 25th the day of the birth of Jesus Christ. It's Christmas. There is no snow on the ground, but it doesn't seem to matter as the house is full of family singing traditional Christmas carols. That's where I find myself. Like I said not an usual place to be on Christmas day; with my family and celebrating the birth of my sweet Jesus. As we pause to wait for the next Christmas carol comments are made about full stomach's and a statement made about how many empty stomachs there are out there right now.

In that moment I froze I was no longer in a warm cozy house in rural South Dakota with my family, I was in the community of Tokyo Sexwhale in Jeffreys Bay in the shack of Jonathan's family. I was sitting with his grandmother and mother crying. Crying not because there is literally no food in their house, or any source of income, but crying for Jonathan who is in a type of

home/ prison for young man who have committed crimes. The tears began to run down my face as Jonathan's mother told me of the past week event of going to court for Jonathan. She explained to Jonathan that I had been coming to visit her and the family in the past weeks and that I had showed her my cell phone wallpaper which was my favorite photo of him. As she told Jonathan, he began to cry. This 14 year old boy sitting in court, cried. No longer was he a tough teenage boy, in jail, but a wounded young boy so in need of love.

I tried to bring my mind back to the present- to the Christmas caroling, but another scene flashed in my mind. Precious. A dark skinned, big brown eyed, bright smiling, five year old girl that has stolen my heart forever. We are sitting together laughing as we make funny faces and find so much humor in taking pictures of ourselves. This little girl never ceases to have a smile on her face, though her circumstances give her plenty of reasons why she shouldn't. Often neglected and not taken care of, with a mother that passed away a couple years ago, and a father with alcohol problems. Still she has so much joy. Tears are now streaming down my face, as I bring my mind back to the present with my family signing 'Silent Night.' I wonder what Jonathan's and Precious' Christmas has been like. Jonathan still in jail and Precious with a family scattered and so unstable. I wonder if their stomachs are full like mine, or empty like the statement that had been made just a few minutes earlier.

Since coming back to the states I have been asking God a lot of questions. Questions like: "how does this whole missionary re-entry thing work? Does this going back and forth get easier with time? Will I always feel like an alien in a place with my passport residency? Where is home, South Dakota or South Africa? Will my heart always be in two places? "

But as I sat there with the carols continuing to be sung, and my heart feeling so heavy for all I have left in Jeffreys Bay. The Holy Spirit gentled whispered a truth deep in my spirit,

"Ellen, your home is with Me."

I felt myself take a deep breath as I let this truth start to sink in. This longing to have a place called home. This confusion of where I belong and where my heart is, is all answered in Him. "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." (Philippians 3:20NIV)

I was not made for this place. I was not made to belong or feel comfortable here. Peter even calls us foreigners and aliens to this world in 1 Peter 2:11.

I was made for more. I was made for a heavenly place. I was made to prepare people for the coming of Jesus, so that everyone would be ready for the glorious day when Jesus returns to take His children home to be with Him.

I was reminded as I sat there, that I can't let myself become comfortable in neither this place with my biological family or in Jeffreys Bay with my children.

Do I still use my energy and strength for God's children? Absolutely.

Do I still love the people He has placed in my journey. Unconditionally.

Do I still feed the orphan and hold the neglected? Every day.

Do I still care and pray for my family? Without question.

This is my call. This is my mandate. This is not my home. One day I'll be there, but until then I will continue to follow wherever He calls, I will continue to love.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

I have safely arrived in America!
I arrived home about 10 days ago. It has been so great to be reunited with my family and see my church family as well! And I am looking forward to the days ahead to see my extended family during this Christmas season.

It's not always an easy adjustment for me to make the trans cession from South Africa to America. But I thank God so much for His endless grace that is always more then enough for me. I praise the Lord for this time at home to sit at my Father's feet and inquire from Him and simply enjoy His presence and rest. But as much as I know I need this time at home for myself and to re connect with my dear family and friends, it does not take away the ache that I feel for my kids that I leave behind in Jbay.


In the past couple months, I have connected with my kids and grown closer to them then ever before. When I went back to my Sunday School kids in May at Ithemba Church, there was about 25 kids attending each Sunday morning ranging from age 3-12 years. It looks much different now! Currently, there are about 40-45 kids per Sunday, it was amazing to watch each Sunday as the attendance grew and the kids would bring their friends with them to Sunday School.
When I returned to Ithemba Church in May a woman in the church was teaching the children each week, and she was over joyed that I had come to bring her some much needed relief ! We partnered in teaching the children together for a couple months, but in September she was unable to continue helping, because of other commitments, so that left just me :) I was completely overwhelmed and kept asking God, "what now? Its just me, with almost 50 kids?" I felt completely inadequate to teach all these children, especially when the younger ones don't understand a lot of English. The first couple Sundays I recruited a couple teenage girls to help me, but then again it was just me. When Sunday would be coming near, instead of being excited to see the children, I would have anxiety and worry.
"How am I going to manage all these children, God? I think someone that speaks the language should be teaching them."
I tried to give the Lord many excuses why I shouldn't be the one entrusted to teach these children.




But one Sunday morning as I sat with my kids (at Ithemba church they have all the children sit together on one side of the church), it was like God removed the clay from my eyes and I could clearly see all that I had been missing. I saw that my Heavenly Father has entrusted and given to me the greatest and highest honor of teaching these children about Him. That each one of those children was not there by mistake, but because He wanted them to know the love of Jesus. He choose me, with my selfishness and wavering heart to lead these children to the feet of Jesus.

That Sunday morning Jesus changed my heart, as I looked at the kids, each with their own unique personalities and characteristics, I thanked the Lord for being patience with me and opening my eyes to all that I had been so blind to before.
The Lord gave me a deep love for these children that I hadn't known before, I couldn't wait to spend time with them. I couldn't wait to see Sima and her sweet spirit worshiping Jesus to her favorite song, 'There is none like You.' My heart was full as I thought of Sino so excitedly sharing his bible verses with me that he had learned that week. I began to spend one on one time with the children and really got to know who they are and where they come from and their family situations. I was heart broken as I realized that 9 out of 10 kids live without a father in their homes. Most of the kids just want someone to listen to them, someone to play with, and make them feel they are important, valued and loved.

Leading up to the weeks before I left we started practicing for a Christmas program that they had the Sunday before I left. The kids could hardly contain their excitement as I shared with them what a Christmas program was and that it meant they would wear costumes, perform a drama and sing. We started with practices on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, the kids loved every minute of it and I did too:)
As the week before the program approached they were busy singing their songs, when 11 year old Ghomotso sweetly asked if they could have practice every day that week until Sunday the day of the program. All the kids screamed "yeah!" I couldn't hide my smile as I reveled in all that God has given to me with these kids and how despite my rough beginnings, He is the great Redeemer. So we did just what Ghomotso had suggested- we had practice every day. Not all the children were in the program, the ones that came to the practices were the ones that performed that Sunday which was 12 kids. But it was yet again another blessing, because as we met each day for practice, the Holy Spirit was really working in the hearts of the kids as they asked many questions about heaven and hell, the bible, and peer pressure at school. I know if all 40 of the kids had been there it would of been very difficult, but one again Jesus' plan is always perfect and good.
So the big day came- Sunday, December 4- they performed their Christmas program. I was SO proud of them as they sang, acted out the Christmas story and recited a bible verse. And of course the kids loved it!



I thank God for everything He provided- the funds for the costumes, the women to sew the costumes and all the resources it took. Truly He is faithful!
I look back over the past months and all that God has done not only in my life, but also in the hearts of the children at Ithemba and I am so excited to see all He has in store for next year.
As I spend these couple months at home I will be seeking the Lord for a very specific vision and goals for next year. Please pray with me as I am asking the Lord for a team of 3-5 people at Ithemba to join me in the children's ministry. To be most effective and really disciple and teach these children, I need more people that are dedicated and have a heart for these children so that we can separate the kids in age groups and teach them based on their ages and grades. It's been my struggle the past couple months to find people who are committed and have a passion for children, but I am continuing to trust Jesus that in His perfect time He will raise up the people in Ithemba church to join me in equipping the younger generation.
I look forward to next year with great expectation and hope, because I know only greater things are yet to come!

Many, LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 (NIV)

His Grace is More

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Chorus:
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You


Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay




I start my update with this song, because it explains my heart in every way. This past month I have experienced God’s grace like never before. Oh, He is so good. Though my sin runs deep, His grace runs even deeper.

Last month I spoke about my many challenges and struggles I have faced this year during my time here, and I stand again proclaiming and declaring that though my heart and flesh may fail that God is still the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I have seen the hand of the Lord work so mightily not only in my own life, but also in the lives of the people He has entrusted me with.


Last year I discipled and mentored a young lady that at the end of my time had walked away from her relationship with the Lord and was being totally influenced by her surroundings and I left here last year asking myself and God many questions: “Was what I was teaching her all in vain, and a waste of time? Was I doing something wrong?”

The Lord quieted my heart with all my questions and doubts and told me,
“Just trust Me, Ellen.”
So, that’s what I chose to do. When I arrived back here in May I couldn’t find her anywhere. I asked her friends and the people in the area, but no one knew where she was. Once again Jesus told me; “Just trust Me, Ellen.” So during the course of these six months, I have continued to pray for her and trust the Lord.


One month ago the Lord brought her back into my life. It was a feeling that I had never experienced. I felt like the Lord had brought my lost daughter back. I glimpsed a taste of the prodigal son when his son came walking down the dusty road discouraged and ready to serve his father as a slave, but the Father responded in the opposite way. He ran to his son, he took him in his arms and kissed him. He said “this son of my mine was lost, but now has been found!”


Oh, I tasted that joy as I went to this young lady and wrapped my arms around her. In that moment I experienced a whole different level of love that Jesus has for me as my Heavenly Father when I go back to Him after living in my sin and guilt.
I am so blessed to able to testify of the Lord’s faithfulness, God is really at work in this young lady’s heart. She is open and truly has a desire to follow Jesus. I have begun to disciple and walk with her, and I only thank the Lord, because it’s a huge honor that He has entrusted me with her life. Right now it seems that her life has more questions, than answers, but I know that Jesus will continue to redeem her life as she walks in obedience.

I ask you to pray for her as she is going to have to make a lot of hard choices now as she chooses to follow Jesus. Pray also for me, that God will grant me His divine wisdom and discernment as I counsel and guide her.


I share this with you to encourage you to never give up on the people that God has placed in your life. Last year when God placed this young lady on my heart, I knew it wasn’t my own idea or thoughts, it was His plan. But I started to doubt and question when things weren’t going the way I had hoped and planned. But God’s thoughts are higher then my thoughts, His ways are higher then my ways. I love how God works! Its so easy as sinful human beings to want to take the credit ourselves for the work that God does, and I look back and see it would have been so easy last year to take the credit for what I wanted God to do in her life, but now what can I say? It’s ALL God. It’s not about me or what I did, am doing or will do. It’s all about God’s glory. It’s all about His kingdom.
Praise the Lord for His grace.

I Refuse

*Note: Individuals names have been changed to respect and protect their privacy.

It’s a Wednesday morning in Jeffrey’s Bay, South Africa, the sun is shining brightly and I can feel the heat of it already beating down on me, a sure sign that spring has indeed arrived in Jbay. It’s about 10am, and I am walking to the gym, I am only about two blocks away from my house when I see her. Gracie. She knows me, I know her. At first she doesn’t see me, but I keep walking closer, she’s just across the street. She’s only about eleven years old, she should be in school at this time, studying history and trying to solve her math problems. She should be chatting with her friends and playing outside during recess. But instead I find this eleven year old girl digging through the garbage dump, looking intently into the big bins for something to eat. I see her Grandmother sitting on the opposite side of the street, watching her and also watching me.

In a matter of seconds so many different scenes pass through my mind.
I start asking myself questions;

“What if this was me?

What if this was my niece?

My family member? “

I cross the street to where Gracie is digging through the dumpster. I greet her and ask what she’s doing. An obvious question, but seemed to be the best way to start a conversation.

She lifts her head from the green dumpster and replies, ‘I am looking for something to eat, I am hungry.’

Just as quickly as she lifted her head she resumes her original position and continues to rummage through the contents of the garbage. An old black boat, someone’s left over chicken bones from KFC, an empty Coke bottle, but nothing to eat. My mind runs a mile a minute as I try to imagine the life of Gracie, and being so hungry and desperate for food that I go to the garbage bins.

She looks up at me, piercing me with her brown eyes, but quickly looks away. I ask her if I can give her R10 to go and buy bread for her and her grandmother. She nods her heads vigorously, and I hand her the R10. I ask her a few more questions about where she’s staying and who’s taking care of her and then I cross the street to her Grandmother.

Gracie’s grandmother is only about 4’10 tall and under 100 pounds. She hardly speaks English, so as much as I can I try to explain to her that I have given Gracie R10 to go buy food, and she must not buy cigarettes or anything else. In reply she nods her head and says thank you in Afrikaans.

Then I walked away.

The scene hasn’t left me. Gracie’s eyes are still piercing through to my heart. As I walked away, I felt as though someone was punching me in the stomach. My spirit was so disturbed and I started crying out to God. “No, God. No. Why?”
As I continued praying, God reminded me of a song that was so much on my heart before I left for South Africa in May, it’s called I Refuse by Josh Wilson
The lyrics to the song are:

Sometimes I
I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not

This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of You, oh God

So, if You say move
It's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
Show them who You are

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

To stand and watch the weary and lost
Cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back
And try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged
To wait another day, to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse


This song has been playing over and over in my mind. How dare I act like everyone is fine, when there are girls like Gracie all over the world, crying out for help, crying out for love.
That day I made a decision to not turn back again. I made a decision to stop ignoring the pleas and cries of the kids here on the streets of Jeffreys Bay.

God has put something in me for the street kids here in Jeffrey’s Bay, I am still not sure what exactly He wants me to do, but I know I will start with love. Actually, that’s what it’s all about love. If I have faith, and if I give all I possess to these kids, but have not love I am nothing. My prayer is that I will never walk by, stand by or ignore the cries of these children. These are the ones that are called great in the kingdom of God, but these are the ones we so easily walk by or put aside and ignore. May God forgive us and be merciful to us for the times we have forgotten about his children and truly ignored the very face of God.

Please pray with me as I seek the Lord's direction in this area of my life. I know I can't change the lives of all the street kids here in Jeffreys Bay, but if I can change the life of one girl, if I can change the life of Gracie, it's all worth it.